A mistake I made about love, and what I learned!

This column was part of the seminar "What Mistakes Do Men and Women Make about Coldness and Warmth?" at the Aesthetic Realism Foundation, New York City.

A large field for mistakes about warmth and coldness is love. In the journal The Right of Aesthetic Realism to Be Known #1276, Editor and Chair of Education, Ellen Reiss asks this question: "Are you troubled by the way you can feel cold to someone close to you, someone you thought you felt so warm towards?" And she explains: "We can also feel cold towards someone we care for because there is that in us which wants to love only ourselves."

  Soon after I began seeing Donita Ellison, who was a high school teacher of art, I found myself having feelings about her that were big and new: I was swept! But I also made a mistake that without Aesthetic Realism I would never have been able to understand and change.

For several months Donita and I spoke almost every day, and I was so glad to see her, couldn’t wait until I did. Yet I found myself one day feeling we were too different and therefore not compatible.

When I spoke about this in an Aesthetic Realism consultation, my consultants asked: "Is Donita Ellison a threat to your big love affair — the one you’ve had with yourself?"  This was so true!

I remembered the first time I invited Donita to visit my apartment in Westchester. After dinner at a restaurant and an exciting conversation through which we both had more feeling, on the way to my home I began to think, "This is getting too deep and it is out of my control."

When we were in the apartment a few minutes, I told Donita, "It’s going to rain and you have to drive back to Manhattan. Here is an umbrella. Drive carefully." As she left I felt relieved, but also so ashamed and cold. And when Donita called me after arriving home safely and was critical — I was very grateful to hear her voice!

My consultants explained: "There are two things in reality: you and the world. If you don’t want to be truly affected by the world, that leaves only you .... Does Donita Ellison have the right to affect you in a big way? Is it reality you are being affected by through her?"

Jaime Torres. Yes.
Consultants. Is it wholly in your control?
Jaime Torres. No, it’s not.
Consultants. Congratulations!

Consultants. Is it wholly in your control?

Jaime Torres. No, it’s not.

Consultants. Congratulations!

By the end of 1993 I knew I wanted to marry Donita; and in my mind I pictured a proposal, an engagement, the ceremony and honeymoon, and living happily ever after. I had a plan to surprise Donita by announcing our engagement — which she knew nothing about — at a party with my parents present.

Somehow, though, I didn’t feel at ease with my plan, and when I told my consultants about it they asked: "As you thought about this, how did you see Ms. Ellison? Is she just part of the decoration, or do you see her as a real person? In your thought, who were all the people at the party looking at?"

Jaime Torres. Me.
Consultants. What happened to Donita Ellison?
Jaime Torres. I guess she was also looking at me.

Consultants. What happened to Donita Ellison?

Jaime Torres. I guess she was also looking at me.

And they asked whether I saw how something that might begin well could be used in behalf of a selfish purpose.

I certainly did. And I saw that the only way I would feel I deserved to have Donita care for and trust me was to be able to say sincerely: I want to use you to like the world, and I want to do everything I can to have you like the world and to meet what you are truly hoping for.

I’m so happy and honored that Donita is now my wife, and that our wonderful Aesthetic Realism education continues.

To learn more about how Aesthetic Realism sees love and marriage you can read Barbara Allen's articles at: http://www.barbaraallen.org/Marriage.htm