Reprinted from The Right of Aesthetic Realism to Be Known
I believe that anger has been understood truly and
comprehensively by Eli Siegel. In his lecture Aesthetic Realism and
Anger, he defined anger as “pain, with the desire to destroy the cause of
it” (TRO 893). And he has shown that there are two kinds, which come from
different sources in the self. “A good anger has like of the world in it, has
respect for the world in it; and a bad or hurtful anger has dislike of the
world in it, or contempt for the world in it” (TRO 188).
I Had These Two Angers
As a child on the island of Puerto Rico, I was in a
terrific mix-up between good and bad anger. When I was ten, a school in the
countryside was damaged by a hurricane. I was angry that the local government
was slow to help, and volunteered to collect supplies and books for the
children. This anger came from my hope to respect people and affect them well,
and I felt proud.
Meanwhile, as the first son and grandson in my family, I
was doted on by my parents, grandparents, and aunts, and few things were denied
me. I was given specially prepared meals, trips, plenty of toys, and many
compliments. I used all this to feel superior, and was angry when other
people—shopkeepers, teachers, children—seemed not to see the immense value I
had. I wanted things on my terms and got annoyed (for example) that math was so
complicated, or if I had to wait in line, or had to walk more than three blocks
to buy something.
I was a little tyrant. After just three piano lessons I
insisted that I needed an organ. When my parents said it would be better to
wait until I improved, I threw a tantrum and got the organ. But after a few
weeks it became an unused piece of furniture. I angrily felt, “It’s too hard to
learn all those notes!” And for years, the sight of the organ made me feel
ashamed and angry.
As I grew older, I could be outwardly affable and seem
easygoing, yet inwardly I often seethed. Since I thought angry people were
unlikable and rude, I cultivated an inner life that never saw the light of day,
in which I made fun of people, felt that persons who had opinions different
from mine were ignorant, felt that the world was one impediment after another.
Consultants. For
example, when you’re nourishing a grudge, how does the world look to you? Does
anything else exist besides the person you have a grievance against?
JT. No.
Everything else is in the background.
Consultants. And
at that time, are you interested in whether the person has any accurate
criticism of you?
JT. That
is the last thing in my mind.
Those questions and others I heard were liberating. I began
to reconsider my grudges, my nurturing of them, and my sense that they made me
superior and noble. I began to see that among the consequences of my unjust
anger were my feeling separate and my inability to care much for anything or
anyone.
Anger Interferes with Love
A mistake men make about love—and it’s a huge one—is using
a person as a haven, a consolation in a world the man sees as against him. And
men have gotten very angry when the loved one acts clearly like something other
than an adoring adjunct.
When I met Donita Ellison, a tall, beautiful woman from
Missouri, who was a teacher using the Aesthetic Realism Teaching Method, she
affected me very much. I was swept by the passionate way she spoke about
education and her students, combined with her easy Midwestern manner. With
every conversation, the world looked better to me. And when I asked Donita to
marry me, she said yes.
But (like men throughout history) I also resented having to
think deeply about my wife. I resented the fact that she had opinions different
from mine and even sometimes had the nerve to offer some useful criticism of
me. I’d seemingly agree with a criticism she gave me, but would battle with her
in my mind, telling myself, “I’m a good husband—I provide well, don’t drink or
smoke or stay out late, and I’m doing good work. She should be happy with this
good husband!” I was angry—and wasn’t proud of my anger.
When I told about this in an Aesthetic Realism class on
ethics, Ellen Reiss, Aesthetic Realism Chair of Education, spoke to me in a way that changed deeply how I felt. For
instance, she asked if I thought the ideal of many people was to be completely
adored and completely unbothered, and if that was my ideal. It was. I said that
I sometimes didn’t even want to talk with Donita about work that I care for
very much—in behalf of a just healthcare system, something Donita is also very
much for. Ms. Reiss said:
ER. The
thought about a woman’s inner life can seem very different from thinking about
what is fair to people in a large way.
JT. Yes,
I think I’ve seen them as too different.
And she asked: What is the relation between trying to
understand the depths of a person close to one, and fighting hard so that
people everywhere get the justice they deserve? She explained: Good
will, the desire to have someone else stronger, is the purpose that relates
the personal and the wide, care for one person and justice to people in
general.
I’m grateful to be in the midst of this thrilling study
with my wife, whom I love very much.
Dr. Jaime Torres is a
co-founder of Latinos for Healthcare Equity and an active advocate for justice
in healthcare